I thought I know myself.

People usually think they know themselves more than anybody. Is it really true? 

My standard is always quite high. I wanted to be good and better whatever I do. To be honest, I didn't compare with others when it comes to a good outcome. Instead, I often refer to the very high standard or very good outcomes that the other made, and then I compared myself with them. I don't know how, but somehow I also believed in myself and it makes me think that I am maybe not that humble. 

For instance, I often cannot understand some people who cannot make a better result. Especially, when it's related to the work. This doesn't mean that I am exceptionally intelligent or something. Cause my reference was always people ahead of me. It's irony. I am comparing myself with such intelligent people, and I get depressed or mad at myself that I am not as good as them. Maybe it's because of the guilty feeling. Most of the time I know what I had to do and what would have been a better decision though, the thought itself is not enough to deter me from thinking that way. 

 

Life keeps bringing me something different with totally unexpected outcomes. Like what I do right now. 

 

All the decisions I have made over 1 year can be described as not my kind of decision. But I have had such a wonderful time with those different decisions. I would like to call it "The beauty of life comes from the unexpected coincidences". 

 

The person who I was 1 year ago, and the one 3 years ago and 5 years ago... I feel like all those past me are different people. But I know one thing certain we shouldn't prejudice anybody, and we also should try our best to see with wide eyes. I was a little too young back then, so I never expected I could be one of the kinds of people who I prejudiced and accused. This also matches with the perception that we never know. 

 

WE NEVER KNOW. Don't judge anybody, even yourself. Be nice to yourself. 

 

Life is long but short. We may not have enough time to feel each other. We certainly don't know what might be placed in front of you on your way to the future. 

 

I just wanted to write a letter to myself. Because I feel a little bit emotional to think about the last 1 year and the upcoming 1 year. See you 1 year aged me and Tell me please you had another such a wonderful time for the last 1 year. 

 

June 11, 2022, Sat. 

Float off day, Application submission day, Test 1 week d-day, and there are still too many outstanding to-do items waiting for me. I am excited to be busy but also a bit stressed. But I know I am enjoying this difficult time.